The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
