I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
