I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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