Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
