Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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