is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
operation harelip BJ is a go
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
