We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
