He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
