I just threw up on my dentist
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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