ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
