Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She bit a glass in half.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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