I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
