Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
