what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
