yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
