Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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