Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
