Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
