im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
