So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
