Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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