the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
