It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
