He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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