who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
