Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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