I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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