OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
