What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
