mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
