he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
