I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
