I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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