I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
