Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
