woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
