Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
