And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
