I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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