I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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