I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
