doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
