I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
