Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
