So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
