his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
