Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
