you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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