Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
