I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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