he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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