So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
ok first of all what the fuck
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
