he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
