The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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