my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
