wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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