it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He felt like a one man threesome
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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