Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
