I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
he's gonorrhea incarnate
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
